Tag Archives: Zoo

Zoo

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Last night my two dogs got into a fight. This went on many more seconds than usual; I had to yell at them and smack them to stop. It was all Daisy being the aggressor, of course. It freaked me out because I am reading Zoo, the book by James Patterson and Michael Ledwidge. It’s a fast-moving tale (no pun intended) of animals attacking humans on an unprecedented global scale. Dog bites increase dramatically around the world. Lions band together and hunt people in Africa for no apparent reason. (This is especially odd since they don’t usually hunt – it is the lionesses who hunt. Hmmm.) A pet chimpanzee goes berserk, tricking and killing his babysitter, destroying the already squalid apartment and then jumping out the window into NYC. The animals all have cold, knowing looks in their eyes.

My animals don’t seem to have that look:

Daisy

Daisy

Maddie

Maddie

What is causing this? Theories include some kind of virus; an upcoming geologic event (such as earthquake or tsunami) that the animals can sense long before humans. The book evokes sympathy for some of the animals, like the elephants in India who are “trained” to allow people to ride them by being beaten and poked until they just give up and submit. I feel those trainers deserved to be trampled.

Since it is the middle of the night and I’m not thinking clearly, I wonder if this is really happening. I Google “Animal Attacks 2014” and see a pattern not identified in the book. Namely, animals are attacking really stupid people who swim next to crocodiles and get in the boxing ring with kangaroos. Often alcohol is involved (presumably on the human’s part).

Now, I understand a deer crashing into some cyclists out on the mountain trial. They’re all moving fast, in perpendicular directions. I understand a random monkey stealing a bookbag from a teenager.  I even understand a house cat jumping on a kid’s head. Kids are annoying.  But what could cause an otherwise well-adjusted goose to attack a human? What does it have to gain?

Perhaps the answer lies in the Bird Bible. I had never heard of this, but I saw it on Saturday Night Live (hosted by Jim Parsons) and it all made sense. It’s a book where all the Bible characters are portrayed by birds. (“It makes it all seem more real.”) The hand of God is a claw coming out from the Heaven. Jesus seems to be a canary with a beard, holding a baby lamb. The birth of Jesus is precious, with His little beak breaking through the shell. Like the more well-known Bible, it’s not for the faint of heart. The illustration of David and Goliath is post-beheading and bloody. Suppose all the animals have discovered this book and passed it around among themselves? And it emboldened them to exercise their godlike abilities that they had been mistakenly suppressing for years?

IMG_0030   I did come home one day to find this, presumably perpetrated by my dogs. If a human did this, you would consider him seriously disturbed.

I won’t ruin the ending of the book for you; I’m just warning you to watch your “pets.”